My Story part 2

I saw how much you guys enjoyed my last post and so I thought maybe you guys would enjoy hearing a little more about my life. I hope that it speaks to many of you and helps you in your own lives.

Since I was eight, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar. For those of you who do not know what Bipolar is, it is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain that causes electrical misfires that cause rapid and at times dangerous mood swings. When I was born I had a traumatic birth. I had issues that caused me to almost suffocate and they had to clean my feces out of my lungs. I sympathize with those doctors. I was several weeks late and was still really small. As you can imagine these events caused some problems with my physical and emotional health.

 I have never really been in the popular crowd due to my being socially awkward. I have had sever mood swings in public which has been embarrassing for myself as well as my family. I now believe that those outbursts may be a large part of why I was never popular with my brothers or my dad. My mom, bless her soul, has been a rock. As anyone may be able to understand, sometimes she wasn't emotionally capable of dealing with me and that caused feelings of resentment. I felt abandoned and neglected at every turn. I would do something stupid to get attention because I believed that any attention would be better than no attention. I didn't realize that would cause an even bigger rift between the world and I.

I was my biggest enemy. Manipulating, lying, scheming, ranting, raving, throwing childish tantrums and causing havoc frequently. Trying to get the attention a craved. I had no idea that I was capable of being so much more and being the golden child if I so chose. I thought, "I'm just a screw up. If I do what I am best at, maybe they will feel sorry for me and comfort me and I will get the love and care that I desire so much." However, my parents felt that they weren't equal to the task and though they tried disciplining me the best they could, they didn't know what it was that I really wanted and it became a viscous cycle. They didn't know what I wanted so they couldn't provide it for me, and I didn't communicate so it never got resolved.

I was at my low point when I let myself get immersed in pornography and the thought of physical intimacy. My self esteem was shot. I was the self proclaimed embarrassment of the family and I didn't have many friends. The friends I did have, I had a hard time keeping except for my best man/ best friend. David was the best friend I could ever ask for and I needed him. He brought me to activities, he set me up on dates, he took me out to shovel off the elder members of our wards driveways in the winter. He was a great example and a stellar friend. He is currently serving our country in the national guard.

While I was at my low point, I was seeing a therapist that helped me immensely and gave me a love of helping people. I was able to stay clear of pornography for 15 weeks while under his tutelage. I truly believe his program to be inspired and I would recommend it to anyone that is suffering from self abuse and pornography. The one thing that was able to change me completely was getting confidence. Confidence that I could be a better person, and that I deserved to be a better person. If any of you suffer from low self esteem, you will agree that nothing helps you like having a relationship with someone who trusts you and believes in you. My wife gave that to me. If you need someone to tell you that you matter, I will tell you right now that you do. You matter to me. You matter to your family. You matter to your friends. You matter to God.

Once you realize this for yourself and truly believe it, you are capable of doing amazing things. People who suffer from addiction will tell you that they don't believe they can ever stop. They believe that it helps them cope with life and that they need it. Once you put someone in their life that tells them that they can reach out and grab the stars, they don't need the addiction anymore. They are able to replace that addiction with something else, something truly amazing; faith. Faith that they can be the best person out there. Most people try to quit an addiction by chopping the tree down. That is why they are able to stop for weeks, months and even years. Once you hack at the roots, that is when you see true miracles emerge.

I wish you all the best and will try to post more soon. I hope this blesses you and inspires you. Until next time, Sterling out